Monday, August 29, 2011

Last Call for Submissions!

It’s here.  Authors have exactly two weeks from today to finish writing/editing and submit their entries.  This makes the final deadline September 12th.  That means we’re playing a video game with zero lives, only the lives are extensions. 

Also, the contest I mentioned a few weeks back will be opening on September 1st, at which point I’ll post the full details.  First place will be receiving a Kindle.  For an overview of the contest, check out the Columbus Creative Cooperative’s website.

In the meantime, best of luck with your submissions!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Full of Artists

The artist positions are now full.  If you haven’t checked lately, click here to view the updated  showcase.  To say the least, I’m thrilled with the talent participating in this anthology.

Some quick numbers:

·         The 4 stories which were included in the book proposal I sent to a publisher have been illustrated, and they look awesome.
·         There are 6 stories I haven’t read yet.
·         There are 39 stories on the short list, and even though all of them are exceptional, I’m only going to be selecting half of them in order to make the anthology as diverse as possible.

That’s all I have for today, so enjoy your weekend!

Friday, August 12, 2011

Progress Report—Upcoming Contest—CCC Book Preorders

Questions for a publisher:  Fellow friend and head of the Columbus Creative Cooperative, Brad Pauquette, is more than willing to answer any publishing-related questions to the best of his ability.  Brad went from unpublished author to a publisher ready to start work on a third book in a matter of months, so feel free to inquire about his process and the trials and tribulations of taking charge and making your own luck.

If you have a question, email it to me at  I’ll compose the ones I receive into a list and ship them over to Brad so he can spill his guts.

September contest and book release:  I’m working on the details for a Columbus Creative Cooperative contest which is slated to begin on the 1st of next month.  The contest will be held to promote the CCC’s release of their second anthology, Overgrown: Tales of the Unexpected, which just so happens to include one of my stories.  The anthology can be preordered HERE.  There are a few sweet prizes up for grabs, so make sure to check back here occasionally in the next two weeks for further details.

The Memory Eater Update:

Submissions received:  189
Submissions rejected:  140
Shortlist:  38
Submissions I haven’t made a decision on yet:  11

Mockup of the anthology:  Three stories have been illustrated and composed into an example which I provided to a publisher.  I’m currently waiting to hear back from them.

What next?:  We’re very close to a last call for submissions, which will give authors two weeks to wrap up and get their entries in. 

In the meantime, I’m in the process of the cutting down the shortlist, so if you’re on it, I’ll be emailing you soon to let you know if you’ve made the anthology or not.

I’ll be posting quick updates as we move forward and more becomes certain.  In the meantime, have a great weekend!

Friday, August 5, 2011

The Automobiles

A few months ago, I started a band called The Office Band, and we released two amazing albums. 

While we penetrated many, many crowds, rumor began to circulate that The Office Band had hit the sophomore slump, and that we sucked.  So I broke away from that band and joined another one called The Writer Band.  We came out with these two albums:

Following a tsunami of success, our lead guitarist, George, became addicted to cats and left the band.  Our drummer, Gloria, a sweet, 79-year-old lady, became addicted to Bingo.  And I was left all alone, addicted to the love of music.

Until one day when I was stuck in a massive traffic jam that lasted three days.  I had no choice in eating those people.  Or forming this awesome, awesome band called The Automobiles.

So without further ado, here is the track-listing for our first album, Tailgate in Hell!

1.    MapQuest sent me to Narnia
2.    When the merging begins, we must defend our lane
4.    Nothing but bass
5.    You owe me a new Michelin, pothole
6.    Brake-check like you're dead inside
7.    25mph only applies to bicycles
8.    I'm hoping for a Goodyear. No, the tire.
9.    Mufflers are optional
10. Bumper sticker novel
11. 85: the average minivan speed
12. Daddy’s BMW
13. The Ford that worked (Just kidding)
14. What evil lies beyond those tinted windows?
15. Trunk-full of miscellaneous nuts and bolts, a sock and a corpse
16. Decals, lol
17. The golden gas coupon
18. The abandoned umbrella on the side of the road which caused a nine-hour traffic jam
19. Where have all the hubcap spikes gone?
20. The semi-passing-semi dilemma
21. Stop sign duel: who got here first?
22. Mechanic bill > Blue Book value
23. Casual rubber-necking
24. Construction times infinity
25. The rearview mirror of lies
26. That 114-year-old driver was a real nice guy
27. Rush-hour Janis Joplin
28. Go to Hell, No-Turn-On-Red
29. The red-light camera is peeking through my bedroom window
30. This lane does not end—it turns into a shoulder
31. Yellow means floor it
32. Hey highway driver, who ya talkin’ to on the phone?
33. Hold on, I’m trying to excessively change lanes while eating a hoagie and reading directions in font size 2
34. Who needs a turn signal…or a shirt?
35. High beams vs. laser beams
36. The truck that took up 49 parking spots
37. Being fat is not a handicap
38. Ode to the guy who would rather ride your ass than use the three open passing lanes.

I'd also like to share these lucky fingers which Alaa Jasim drew for the anthology.  They are meant to bring luck in the form of 3 million dollars to those who participate.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Throwaway Post

I'm going to post a few updates over the next couple of days.  Don't worry, they're all good.  One's even a contest…I think.  More on that later.

Since I haven't posted something fun in weeks, this post will satisfy that quota.

If you haven't yet heard, the winners of the 2011 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest were announced.  The competition invites authors to come up with the worst opening sentence of a novel.  Click here to read the winning entries. 

While none of my submissions placed, which is good I guess, I figured I'd share them with all of you.  No shame, right?  Hope you enjoy!

·         The zombie named Mr. Malediction is antediluvian, sempiternal and thinks he’s sapient, but he’s really a brummagem who extols his existence, always gives Hobson's choices, wears a tattered pair of swamp green pants and a half-buttoned, torn-at-the-sleeves, button down shirt, but he’s fop, and he thinks it’s kitsch, so my sobriquet for him is Footless, and imagine this, he thinks he’s smarter than this sentence.

·         This is my nineteenth time in jail since jail was created, but what can I say?, me, the Vampire leader, because I’m drawn to girls two-hundred years younger than me, especially those whose age is only one digit.

·         Choosing the wrong printer paper is probably the worst decision of my life, but in a close second, I would have to revert back to the day I spilled purified water on my work polo shirt, because not only did I get wet, but I also wasted water, and that was the day Merle was extremely thirsty and asked me for a swig, but since I only had ten percent of the water remaining, I told him that a study proved the remaining ten percent in any drink was always backwash, so I didn’t want to let him swallow my spit.

·         In this third book of the trilogy titled, “Using Air to Fill Your Tires: How to do it Properly, Safely, and with Respect to the Environment,” which by now you probably think after having written two novels with a combined 1,392 pages, not including an index, but including my personal acknowledgments, that I couldn’t possibly expand on the issue anymore, but I’m about to prove you wrong again.

·         Susan, AKA the abominable snow-woman, stood over John’s shoulder, AKA John, and when she sneezed and projective vomited, which no one thought was possible, John ended up losing his Photoshop drawing of an eggplant, not because his keyboard was covered in carrot-chunk oatmeal, but because he accidentally hit the delete button instead of save.

·         I sat at the table with the girl of my dreams, neither of us saying a word for the first ten minutes, until finally she opened her mouth, causing her poop-breath to slap me across the face like coming across a roman numeral while doing long division.

·         Dr. Monsoon is so clutch that he air-balled the tying shot in the huge basketball finals overtime game with three seconds left, but then pulled out a laser beam and shot Moby Williams from the opposing team in the face, decapitating him, and with one second left, the referee ruled that Moby was ineligible to play, so since the opposing team only had four players left, they had to forfeit the game, and we won!

·         Denny lifted weights once, but he hits another kid, with a machine gun, and now there is blood everywhere, even on the sky.

·         She drove a car, through space.

Oh, and here's a cheesy joke to go along with the Memory Eater theme:

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied.  "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization and association.  It made a huge difference for me."

"That's great!  What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank, and he thought and thought, but couldn't remember.  Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"  He turned to his wife and asked, "Rose—what was the name of that clinic?"