Saturday, December 3, 2011

56 Horrible Gift Ideas for Christmas

Since Christmas is almost here, I wanted to compile a list of horrible gifts so Santa can make sure he doesn’t give me any of them.  Feel free to print this list out and mail it to the North Pole!

I always thought each banana in a bunch needed their own place.

This also doubles as a troll's finger.

The phone, not the man.

His brother got a 50" LCD TV.

Not only will this thing keep my kitchen clean, but it will also teach my boys portion control.

It comes with those three cubes of Sushi.

It's bad enough this jerk has his baseball cap set to molester mode, but now he's going to walk down the sidewalk and surf the net?

It's the teeth.

I see more puppet shows in your future.

The kneepads are a bit excessive.

Do not face toward your chest, face, privates or butt.

This thing actually has a soul.

They're the new tapeworms.

Now you can yell, "This coffee tastes like crap!" at the office and not offend anyone.

Yes, this is a stylish leather fly swatter.

And this is a deer's butthole doorbell.  Only if it were a cat's behind would it be purr-fect!

To protect men from women staring at their crotches.

My coworker has one of these.  She's also into oriental fans and doilies.

Can it remove skid marks?

Perfect for after you're done eating a cheeseburger or if you need an excuse to get out of sex.

I don't care who number 1 is, who the #$%@ is number 2?

I would never be offended if someone gave this to me.  I, too, want myself to look better!

Emo soap?

For those who want to reenact scenes from Alien and E.T.

Kid tears through gift.  Kid uncovers this movie.  Kid looks at dad with a big frown on his face.  Dad says, "You're welcome, son," and the kid says, "What did I do wrong?"

It's every expecting mother's dream to find out what their fetus tastes like.

You should see Woody's.

Super morbidly obese children with Linda Hunt's face who were just abused in the cheeks are so hot right now, that I bet you can't find one.

In the conference room, the lead designer said, "What?  It's half of an old race car."

Do Texans really think Santa has time to change into a cowboy once entering their state?

This is the scarlet letter for men.

"Give me one moment, please.  I'm pretty sure my credit card is lodged somewhere in my frog's anus."

'"Hey, Rob, you may be sitting down at your cubicle, but you're really working at an intense pace today.  If I had to guess, I'd say you're probably breaking 200 heart beats per minute."

A gift for the kids so they never underestimate a unicorn's strength.

It’s degrading for men to either give or receive this item.
Can you tell me the time and hand me a piece of bread?

I'm not putting a leaf that doesn't know what color it wants to be inside my body.

The other half comes with a knife-in-hand.

Nothing is more fun than a wedgie war!

This is safer than those metal rings.

Seriously, what kind of animal did these claws come from?

Not only is this a jolly candelabra, but it also serves as a loaf of bread holder and a naughty-person punisher.

Make your wounds even more attractive to wild animals.

Don't park within thirty-feet of this thing.

Now you can clean everyone's sidewalk.

And while you're cleaning everyone's sidewalk, your adopted baby will be cleaning your floors.

Told you that you were a cow.

Men in windowless vans are currently distributing these.

I guess this isn't a horrible idea, but do smokers really need to spend more time outside neglecting their work?

Surprise!  Don't worry, they're neutered!

This was the original design for the cloud enemy in Mario.

Push a button on their chests, and these things say, "COME HERE AND SHAKE MY HAND."

I'm not really seeing how carrying the cross is exercise.

The newer models come with steel plate lining to protect from clubs to the head by foreign guys on scooters.

You know, for those who don't have any.

Only because it's outdated.


  1. Ha ha! Brilliant. I totally want about half of those things!

  2. I've given someone the Visorganizer, in that it's a joke box for a real gift. One year I gave my mom her present in the 100 piece whisk set box from the same company. Actually felt kinda bad when she went into the standard good-mom-bad-gift "oh it's so thoughtful" routine.

  3. Angeline, my coworker can probably hook you up--she has most of them on her desk:)

    And Thurston, I saw that whisk set and wasn't sure if it was bad enough. Does that company intentionally make bad gifts?

  4. Yes. The boxes are sold empty through sites like The Onion, and are brilliantly bad gifts. A LOT of detail goes into each one, more than just a bad idea, but a bad idea thought out as to how it could really work. None of the products actually exist, they're just boxes.

  5. I love the commercials on TV where they advertise for a fake product, like a neck rack, before making fun of them with their real products. I didn't know The Onion sold those. Just boxes? I knew they were fake, but man, they should make the actual product. Ultimate white elephant gift!