Friday, August 5, 2011

The Automobiles

A few months ago, I started a band called The Office Band, and we released two amazing albums. 

While we penetrated many, many crowds, rumor began to circulate that The Office Band had hit the sophomore slump, and that we sucked.  So I broke away from that band and joined another one called The Writer Band.  We came out with these two albums:

Following a tsunami of success, our lead guitarist, George, became addicted to cats and left the band.  Our drummer, Gloria, a sweet, 79-year-old lady, became addicted to Bingo.  And I was left all alone, addicted to the love of music.

Until one day when I was stuck in a massive traffic jam that lasted three days.  I had no choice in eating those people.  Or forming this awesome, awesome band called The Automobiles.

So without further ado, here is the track-listing for our first album, Tailgate in Hell!

1.    MapQuest sent me to Narnia
2.    When the merging begins, we must defend our lane
4.    Nothing but bass
5.    You owe me a new Michelin, pothole
6.    Brake-check like you're dead inside
7.    25mph only applies to bicycles
8.    I'm hoping for a Goodyear. No, the tire.
9.    Mufflers are optional
10. Bumper sticker novel
11. 85: the average minivan speed
12. Daddy’s BMW
13. The Ford that worked (Just kidding)
14. What evil lies beyond those tinted windows?
15. Trunk-full of miscellaneous nuts and bolts, a sock and a corpse
16. Decals, lol
17. The golden gas coupon
18. The abandoned umbrella on the side of the road which caused a nine-hour traffic jam
19. Where have all the hubcap spikes gone?
20. The semi-passing-semi dilemma
21. Stop sign duel: who got here first?
22. Mechanic bill > Blue Book value
23. Casual rubber-necking
24. Construction times infinity
25. The rearview mirror of lies
26. That 114-year-old driver was a real nice guy
27. Rush-hour Janis Joplin
28. Go to Hell, No-Turn-On-Red
29. The red-light camera is peeking through my bedroom window
30. This lane does not end—it turns into a shoulder
31. Yellow means floor it
32. Hey highway driver, who ya talkin’ to on the phone?
33. Hold on, I’m trying to excessively change lanes while eating a hoagie and reading directions in font size 2
34. Who needs a turn signal…or a shirt?
35. High beams vs. laser beams
36. The truck that took up 49 parking spots
37. Being fat is not a handicap
38. Ode to the guy who would rather ride your ass than use the three open passing lanes.

I'd also like to share these lucky fingers which Alaa Jasim drew for the anthology.  They are meant to bring luck in the form of 3 million dollars to those who participate.

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