Friday, August 5, 2011

The Automobiles

A few months ago, I started a band called The Office Band, and we released two amazing albums. 


While we penetrated many, many crowds, rumor began to circulate that The Office Band had hit the sophomore slump, and that we sucked.  So I broke away from that band and joined another one called The Writer Band.  We came out with these two albums:


Following a tsunami of success, our lead guitarist, George, became addicted to cats and left the band.  Our drummer, Gloria, a sweet, 79-year-old lady, became addicted to Bingo.  And I was left all alone, addicted to the love of music.

Until one day when I was stuck in a massive traffic jam that lasted three days.  I had no choice in eating those people.  Or forming this awesome, awesome band called The Automobiles.

So without further ado, here is the track-listing for our first album, Tailgate in Hell!


1.    MapQuest sent me to Narnia
2.    When the merging begins, we must defend our lane
4.    Nothing but bass
5.    You owe me a new Michelin, pothole
6.    Brake-check like you're dead inside
7.    25mph only applies to bicycles
8.    I'm hoping for a Goodyear. No, the tire.
9.    Mufflers are optional
10. Bumper sticker novel
11. 85: the average minivan speed
12. Daddy’s BMW
13. The Ford that worked (Just kidding)
14. What evil lies beyond those tinted windows?
15. Trunk-full of miscellaneous nuts and bolts, a sock and a corpse
16. Decals, lol
17. The golden gas coupon
18. The abandoned umbrella on the side of the road which caused a nine-hour traffic jam
19. Where have all the hubcap spikes gone?
20. The semi-passing-semi dilemma
21. Stop sign duel: who got here first?
22. Mechanic bill > Blue Book value
23. Casual rubber-necking
24. Construction times infinity
25. The rearview mirror of lies
26. That 114-year-old driver was a real nice guy
27. Rush-hour Janis Joplin
28. Go to Hell, No-Turn-On-Red
29. The red-light camera is peeking through my bedroom window
30. This lane does not end—it turns into a shoulder
31. Yellow means floor it
32. Hey highway driver, who ya talkin’ to on the phone?
33. Hold on, I’m trying to excessively change lanes while eating a hoagie and reading directions in font size 2
34. Who needs a turn signal…or a shirt?
35. High beams vs. laser beams
36. The truck that took up 49 parking spots
37. Being fat is not a handicap
38. Ode to the guy who would rather ride your ass than use the three open passing lanes.


I'd also like to share these lucky fingers which Alaa Jasim drew for the anthology.  They are meant to bring luck in the form of 3 million dollars to those who participate.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Throwaway Post

I'm going to post a few updates over the next couple of days.  Don't worry, they're all good.  One's even a contest…I think.  More on that later.

Since I haven't posted something fun in weeks, this post will satisfy that quota.

If you haven't yet heard, the winners of the 2011 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest were announced.  The competition invites authors to come up with the worst opening sentence of a novel.  Click here to read the winning entries. 

While none of my submissions placed, which is good I guess, I figured I'd share them with all of you.  No shame, right?  Hope you enjoy!


·         The zombie named Mr. Malediction is antediluvian, sempiternal and thinks he’s sapient, but he’s really a brummagem who extols his existence, always gives Hobson's choices, wears a tattered pair of swamp green pants and a half-buttoned, torn-at-the-sleeves, button down shirt, but he’s fop, and he thinks it’s kitsch, so my sobriquet for him is Footless, and imagine this, he thinks he’s smarter than this sentence.

·         This is my nineteenth time in jail since jail was created, but what can I say?, me, the Vampire leader, because I’m drawn to girls two-hundred years younger than me, especially those whose age is only one digit.

·         Choosing the wrong printer paper is probably the worst decision of my life, but in a close second, I would have to revert back to the day I spilled purified water on my work polo shirt, because not only did I get wet, but I also wasted water, and that was the day Merle was extremely thirsty and asked me for a swig, but since I only had ten percent of the water remaining, I told him that a study proved the remaining ten percent in any drink was always backwash, so I didn’t want to let him swallow my spit.

·         In this third book of the trilogy titled, “Using Air to Fill Your Tires: How to do it Properly, Safely, and with Respect to the Environment,” which by now you probably think after having written two novels with a combined 1,392 pages, not including an index, but including my personal acknowledgments, that I couldn’t possibly expand on the issue anymore, but I’m about to prove you wrong again.

·         Susan, AKA the abominable snow-woman, stood over John’s shoulder, AKA John, and when she sneezed and projective vomited, which no one thought was possible, John ended up losing his Photoshop drawing of an eggplant, not because his keyboard was covered in carrot-chunk oatmeal, but because he accidentally hit the delete button instead of save.

·         I sat at the table with the girl of my dreams, neither of us saying a word for the first ten minutes, until finally she opened her mouth, causing her poop-breath to slap me across the face like coming across a roman numeral while doing long division.

·         Dr. Monsoon is so clutch that he air-balled the tying shot in the huge basketball finals overtime game with three seconds left, but then pulled out a laser beam and shot Moby Williams from the opposing team in the face, decapitating him, and with one second left, the referee ruled that Moby was ineligible to play, so since the opposing team only had four players left, they had to forfeit the game, and we won!

·         Denny lifted weights once, but he hits another kid, with a machine gun, and now there is blood everywhere, even on the sky.

·         She drove a car, through space.


Oh, and here's a cheesy joke to go along with the Memory Eater theme:

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied.  "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization and association.  It made a huge difference for me."

"That's great!  What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank, and he thought and thought, but couldn't remember.  Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"  He turned to his wife and asked, "Rose—what was the name of that clinic?"

Friday, July 8, 2011

The Big Boy: Deadline Dead...Needs...How to Make Your Homeless Story Rich

Since last week I’ve been preparing The Memory Eater.  I’ll just leave it at that for now.  When I have something concrete, I’ll let everyone know.

To make this humungous post easier to navigate, I'm going to break it up into three sections.

So…


1. I’m working on a mock beginning to the anthology which means I’ll be contacting those authors whose work I plan to use as an example for pitching purposes.  There will only be about 2-3 authors, and the ones I have decided on simply have the best flow together.  That doesn’t mean the rest of the work isn’t as good or better.  It means I need to present part of the story, so the puzzle pieces need to be in their proper places.
 
While I work on this project, I’m going to dissolve the deadline with the intent to inform everyone two weeks prior to the end of submissions.  That means from here on out, those who didn’t think they had enough time to submit can start writing.  When I need to close submissions, I’ll make an announcement and everyone will have two weeks to get their stories in.


Setting the deadline to TBA (to be announced) will be beneficial for three reasons (always list things in threes):


·    It will increase the amount of quality, properly themed stories I have to choose from.  In turn, this will allow me to fill some of the holes in the anthology.

·    It gives me a bit more time to place the anthology where I’d like it to be.

·    And in the coming months, it will grant me some leeway for when my second son is born.

In the meantime, since I have read a majority of the submissions, there’s no reason to keep those authors waiting any longer.  During the next two weeks, I’m going to send out two different emails.  One will unfortunately be a rejection, whereas the other will be a notification that said author’s work is on the shortlist for inclusion in the anthology.  If you don’t get an email, I haven’t read your submission yet.


Here are some numbers for the curious crunchers:

100:  Right around June 10th, submissions broke the 100 mark. 

121:  To date, I’ve received 121 submissions.

12:  Out of those 121 submissions, there are about a dozen I haven’t read.

24:  So out of the roughly 110 stories I have read, I’m currently considering 24 of them.

13:  Roughly 13% of the submissions didn’t even make an attempt to incorporate the Memory Eater.

8:  About 8% of the submissions twisted the theme too far.  Meaning something like magic or gnomes or mother earth was the source of memory erasure.  I was able to make an exception on some, but others fell into this category and will be rejected.

3:  3% sent their submissions as an attachment when the guidelines specifically stated to paste it into the body of an email.

1:  One person sent me a novel and asked if I would edit it.

4,793:  I predicted around 5,000 blog hits for the month of June and came in right under at 4,793, which isn’t too shabby, especially since during the first month (May), the blog had 803 views.

245,000:  I have a 631-page Word document running with over 245,000 words from all of the submissions.

2,310:  This blog post is 2,310 words, minus this sentence, which is more than the 2,024 average word count of the submissions.


As we move forward, I’m projecting to end with a total of around 200 submissions and a shortlist of roughly 45-50 excellent stories to choose from.  So for the 24 people I plan to email in the next two weeks—it’s more than likely you’ll have a 50/50 shot of making it into the anthology.


For anyone who gets a rejection—I apologize in advance.  I know it sucks to receive these, but do know that I read every single word of every single submission unlike most people in this position.  I didn’t eliminate anyone based on credentials—that’s why I didn’t ask for them.  And a lot of the work I’m about to reject can easily be published elsewhere, as I’m sure will be the case.


Moving forward again.


2. What kind of story is C. P. still looking for?  Not looking for?
Okay, so now that we’re pretty far into the submission process, this is going to be a great reference for anyone hoping to make it into the anthology.  That’s not to say if an author chooses a different story or is already in the middle of one that it doesn’t stand a chance.  I’m simply handing out some answers to the test.


Stories which will have a good chance to succeed:

·    Futuristic.  What does the Memory Eater do in the future?  How does it affect the future?

·    Uplifting endings.  Preferably where the MC or MC’s love doesn’t die.

·    Con artists.  Haven’t gotten one of these yet.

·    Deleting a memory not pertaining to love.  Believe it or not, love was a big hit with this anthology.  I’d love like to see other things deleted.  Like a movie.  A bully.  An awkward situation.  A word.  Fad.  Parents making love…anyone?

·    Political.  As far as submissions are concerned, this is a big void.

·    The Memory Eater is…GOOD?  Most of the stories have been about the Memory Eater’s cons, but what are the pros?  Can this device be used in a positive way?  Can it, say, save a life instead of end one?  Help those with disabilities?  Ease the pain of those who are dying?  I’d love like to find out.


Stories which will be starting the race from behind:

·    Anything taking place inside a Memory Eater store.  If you choose this theme, tread lightly, for you will be in a pool of many.

·    Couples deleting each other’s existence because of cheating/lying/murder.  Again, a pool of many.

·    Altering the purpose of the Memory Eater.  There’re only so many of these stories that I can accept.

·    Not using the Memory Eater as the source of deletion.  At this point, I can’t consider stories like this, so they’ll never finish the race.


3. Here are some helpful tips to make your story catch my eye.  Even if you aren't submitting to this anthology, these will help guide your stories for other publications.


You wouldn’t try and cram every possession you own into a backpack while a blazing fire sinks your home into the ground, would you?

Now think of that backpack as a short story and your possessions as ideas.  First off, it’s not even possible to cram all of your stuff into a backpack, so the same holds true for a short story—there’s a limit as to what you can accomplish.  Less is more, especially if you want to survive.

In the short time you have to survive, don’t try and complicate your story with multiple subplots, unnecessary descriptions and back-story, characters who aren’t even important, et cetera.

Write with the mentality to just get by.  Take your main character, figure out what obstacle will be in his/her way, figure out what they’ll do to overcome/succumb to it, and get him/her to the end in a timely fashion.  Then, once you have a clear view of what is truly important, once you’re out of the burning house, revisit your backpack and remove/add/change things.

Just always keep the backbone of your story in mind.


Don’t be afraid to write your idea out.


I used to dive right into a short story with a basic concept of what I was trying to achieve, figuring it would pan itself out in the end.  Once in a while you get lucky and everything ends up making sense.  But for most of us, we end up with a jumbled mess.  Even if it’s written flawlessly, we’re still left with a jumbled mess of flawless writing.

Write the idea out.

Say you just got this awesome idea for a story, example being a guy finds a portal in his basement to another dimension, and you’re like, “OMG, bestseller!”  You hang your “lunch” sign up at your desk, go at your Word icon like it’s the last Word icon on earth and assault the keyboard with everything you’ve got.

Guy finds portal…guy goes through it…guy finds…what does he find?  Um…hold on…what’s he wearing?...in this new dimension, can he breath the air?...wait a minute…is he single?...I’ll need to know just in case he meets any alien babes…if he meets alien babes…will they be aliens or humans?...what color will they be?

But really, the most important question is, “What’s the main plot?”  Why did this guy discover a portal?  A guy finding a portal isn’t a plot, especially since there is no end.  And to begin, you need to know how to end.  What purpose will this portal serve the plot?  There needs to be a clear, well-defined plot in order to create the central conflict.

If you spent more time plotting this idea out, you could break it down into a poor, single guy who never had a taste of the good life.  But then he finds a portal in his basement which leads to another dimension where he’s filthy rich.  So, in order to fulfill his dreams, he abducts himself and assumes the rich roll, unaware of the rules of that alternate reality.  In the end, he learns that having everything is almost as unpleasant as having nothing, especially since there is nothing left to accomplish.  So he attempts to go back to his original life but discovers that his alternate self is finally happy and refuses to switch places.  The alternate self kicks the original guy back into the rich life and finds a way to close the portal. 

End.


Don’t rush the story, especially the end.  And you don’t need to save the twist for the last sentence.

I’m the guiltiest person out there of rushing the ending.  I spend so much time on a story, perfecting every line, only to get antsy in the end and try to wrap up what was supposed to be ten pages into one.  Five of my published short stories were completed with this mentality, and out of those five, guess how many resulted in editors saying, “You need to redo the ending”? 

All five.

I noticed this with a lot of stories.  People began with a fantastic idea, but let it all fall apart in the end.  Take your time.  If you put hours worth of effort into the first ¾ of the story and get that antsy feeling of just wanting to be done, put the story away for a few days, or even a few weeks, and work on another story.  That way, when you get antsy with the new story, revisit the old one and finish the ending with a new appreciation for how much work you’ve already put in.  (That’s what I did with this blog post!)

One other theme I kept coming across while reading submissions was authors trying to carry a twist all the way until the end…in some cases the last sentence in the story.  Sometimes this works, but most times it backfires.

If your story is complex, you can't wrap everything up neatly in one paragraph.  That's like tying 109 computer cords together with a string from your underwear. 

Remember, you need a good, solid story to get published.  A twist is simply a way to make that story different from all the others.


Avoid clichés because it makes blood boil, rubs people the wrong way, glazes azure or emerald green eyes over, pushes all buttons…oh you get the point.

Reading over a cliché in a story for me is like watching a really awkward moment on television.  I cringe.  I turn away.  I say “no way” if there’re too many.  And by clichés, I’m not only referring to overused phrases—I’m talking about characters, actions, plots, et cetera.

The best advice I can give for avoiding this is to find out what the clichés are.  I wrote a blog post way back when about agent, reader and editor pet peeves.  It can be found here.  That’s a pretty good place to start.



Have a voice.

This is one of the most important tools an author can have.  By voice, I’m referring to the narrator of your stories.  Even in third person, you should have a voice.  It’s the way you structure sentences.  The weird descriptions you use.  The energy in your words.  It’s the element which draws a reader in.  Makes them want to keep reading.  Have to keep reading.

While a twist is like a hairdo, your voice is your entire wardrobe.  It’s how you set yourself apart from others.  How you get noticed.

To have a voice, you need to loosen up and not take yourself so seriously.  These stories aren’t technical descriptions for NASA.  Some writers are so serious that reading their stories is like reading a corpse.

In closing, finding your voice is just being yourself.  Having confidence.  Believing you’ve got this.


Now you’ve got all of that, right?

If you have any questions or concerns regarding serious health problems, please contact Wikipedia.  If you have any questions or concerns regarding the anthology, please contact me at anthologies2011@gmail.com.

Thank you all for following the progress of this anthology.  I just want to let you know that I’m working hard to bring this concept to a healthy, fruitful life.

This is, after all, my baby.


P. S. – It doesn’t bother me when an agent sends a form rejection.  What does bother me is when they feel the need to add me to their contact list and constantly send spam about how well their profound agency is doing and that I should buy their authors’ books.  Um, NO THANKS.  If that isn’t horribly trashy/tacky enough, I don't know what is.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Watch out! The deadline is right behind you!

There are only 18 days left until the deadline!

But no rush.



Update #1:  The allotment for artists filled up pretty fast.  I will accept 1-2 more with styles different from those in the showcase.  If you’re interested, feel free to email me with examples of your work.

Update #2:  I’m going to pitch this anthology to my publisher next week, so we’ll see where that leads us.  Hopefully it ends in good news!

Update #3:  I broke 100 submissions (around 200K words) roughly two weeks ago.  Out of those first 100, I’m only considering about 17.  My goal is to include 25-30 worthy stories.


Moving on.  As submissions continue to roll in, I’ve been asked one question quite a few times: “Before I submit, do you have any helpful tips?”

I sure do!  Here they are:


·    I’d like to see people shy away from setting their story inside Memory Eater stores.  Write with the understanding that readers will know a character went to a ME store if a memory is missing.  What I really want to see is your story’s character and how they either overcome or stumble over the obstacle in their way.

·    A lot of submissions deal with lovers and spouses deleting each other or their sleazy deeds, so know if this is the path you’re taking, there’s going to be a lot of competition.  A LOT.

·    You can alter the purpose of the Memory Eater, but know that only a small number of these submissions will be accepted, so again, this will be a tough category to win in.

·    I’d say about 8 to 10% of the submissions fall into the category of humor, so if you want to increase your chances of being selected, write a funny story.

·    Don’t get hung up on explaining the history of the Memory Eater in a story not dealing with the history of the Memory Eater.

·    I love unique voices, unique perspectives, unique situations, unique characters, unique…  For example, I just got done writing a story from the perspective of a gay man who is forcing his adopted eight-year-old girl to participate in a pageant show onboard a crashing plane.

·    Write with confidence, please.  If you don’t even believe in your own story, how am I supposed to?

And last but most importantly, make sure you incorporate the Memory Eater in some way, shape or form.  Meaning I'll reject stories that use telepathic powers, aliens, goblins, plungers, magic (really, I'm getting this kind of stuff) or anything else that isn't a variation of the Memory Eater to delete memories.

Now get back to writing!  That’s what I’m going to doJ

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Artist Showcase Posted

I just posted a page dedicated to the artists who will be illustrating stories for The Memory Eater.  There you'll be able to view some of their work and find links to their sites.  You can click here or the link at the top of the blog to see.

Since I'm all for art, a big THANK YOU to everyone participating.  I'm still waiting on work from four artists, so I'll add them to the page as they come in.

I’m also still in need of a handful of artists, so if you are one or know of one, feel free to shoot me an email.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Artists Needed

I’d like to see how many artists would be interested in creating black and white illustrations for stories that will be included in the anthology.  All styles are welcome.  Since I already have 5 people interested, I’d need about 18-20 more.  Less if artists are willing to illustrate two stories.

If I get enough interest, I’ll move forward with this idea.  In the meantime understand that details are scarce and payment would be “for the love of”, although I’m willing to negotiate fair deals.

One of the things I'm planning on doing is dedicating a page on my blog where the participating artists will have a few pieces of art on display along with a link to their respective sites.  Once I have the stories selected, I'll go through an assign artists.  The artists will then be able to read the stories and come up with their own interpretations.

Feel free to send inquires to anthologies2011@gmail.com.  I don’t need a long message.  “Hey, I’m interested,” will do just fine.  But make sure to attach a few samples of your work to the email.  I’ll try and get back to each inquire within one business day.

Good luck finishing up those stories!

C. P.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Progress Report

I’d like to shed some light on how The Memory Eater anthology is progressing and why I extended the submission deadline.

First things first.  I had a breakthrough in marketing, mainly by focusing on Twitter, which I began using on May 16th.  Here’s a look at how it helped my blog statistics:

March:  803 views (I began my blog on March 15th)
April:  1,287 views
May:  2,906 views (764 from Twitter alone)

With an average daily view count of around 170, I’m predicting 5,000-5,500 views in June.  Possibly more depending on how much time I have to advertise.

While traffic and interest has more than doubled, I wanted to give newcomers adequate time to write and edit their submissions, so I extended the deadline.  Will I do it again?  It depends on the following…

Several small publishers have showed interest in the project.  Now I haven’t had the time to respond to all of them yet, but I’m getting there. 

Truth is, within the last two weeks, I found out that three of my stories are going to be published.  Two of them are sci-fi novelettes accepted by the same publisher, so when the time is right, I’m hoping to pitch this anthology to them.  This could be very good, especially if I ended up getting contributors paid up front.  Not to mention the market the anthology would reach.  Keep fingers crossed!

This idea has already far exceeded my expectations and new paths are starting to open up for it.  But as always, my main focus is on producing quality, so back to the slush pile it is for me.

And to those writing stories, the best of luck to you!

C. P.